So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.