[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping