i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.