being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!