I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You Might Also Like
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!