I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.