Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok