When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
he looks great for his age
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you