Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
somebody come look at this
The three genders
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.