Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!