The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?