The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.