[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.