Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*seductively corrects your posture*
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter