So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My kitchen overserved me.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m tired tomorrow.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO