Happy Thanksgiving
You Might Also Like
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.