Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I didn’t come here to be called names
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
🙋♀️
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.