If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.