If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
You Might Also Like
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
smh
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.