My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.