The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source