Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Rt to bother an English speaker
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
As the Lord intended
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller