ugh not again
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER