If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Oh yeh? Explain this then
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight