2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
You Might Also Like
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car