The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.