Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
So that’s what we looked like?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Education is vital
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae