Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.