[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no