God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.