“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine