I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
smartest karate player in the world
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’