Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that