Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!