Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me recordaron éste meme
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you