[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around