I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Welcome
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it