Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.