*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.