[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
🤣🤣🤣
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.