I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn