Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
my one true gender
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used