Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
We all have our pet causes.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
you gotta be faster
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?