I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
What the hell is going on?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.