WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.