[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake