BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.