[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!