*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
man: wait
time: no
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry