The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
i wish i could marry a nap
Love this one 😂🧟
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!